We can bet good money these stories will have you howling within seconds. From jokes about two elderly women driving together to a truck driver with a talking emu, buckle up because you’re in for a ride!
Heaven Is Not for Everyone

A priest and a taxi driver both passed away on the same day and found themselves at the gates of Heaven, where St. Peter was waiting for them.

“Please follow me,” St. Peter said to the taxi driver, waving his hand.

The taxi driver followed obediently, and soon St. Peter led him to a massive mansion. It had everything one could imagine: an indoor theater, a heated pool, and even a personal golf course!

“Wow, thank you!” said the taxi driver, astonished and pleased with his good fortune in the afterlife.
Then, St. Peter turned to the priest, who seemed anxious and excited to see where he’d land. St. Peter led him to a small, run-down cabin. Inside was a creaky bunk bed and an old black-and-white TV with spotty reception.

“Excuse me, but isn’t there a mistake?” asked the shocked priest. “I was a PRIEST. I devoted my life to serving the church and spreading God’s word.”

St. Peter nodded thoughtfully. “True, but during your sermons, people fell asleep. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed!”
Bus Driver Versus the Elderly

A tour bus driver was cruising around town with a bus full of elderly folks when, suddenly, a little old lady tapped him on the shoulder. She smiled while handing him a handful of peanuts. Gratefully, he munched them down, thinking, “Older people are generous and kind.”

About fifteen minutes later, she tapped him again and offered him another handful of peanuts, and he happily ate them.

This happened a few more times until, out of curiosity, he finally asked, “Why don’t you all eat the peanuts yourselves? Maybe pass them around to the rest of the passengers?”

“Oh, don’t worry about us, dear,” the old woman said with a sweet, toothless smile. “We just love sucking the chocolate off them.”

The Stranded Driver and the Horse

An out-of-towner accidentally drove his car into a ditch on a lonely stretch of road. Fortunately, a local farmer spotted him and came over with his big, strong horse named Buddy. The farmer offered to assist and hitched Buddy to the car before shouting, “Pull, Nellie, pull!”

Buddy didn’t budge.

Then the farmer called out, “Pull, Buster, pull!”

Buddy stayed still.

Once more, the farmer shouted, “Pull, Jennie, pull!”

Again, Buddy didn’t move.

Finally, the farmer casually said, “Alright, pull, Buddy, pull!” And just like that, Buddy easily pulled the car out of the ditch!

The motorist, grateful but puzzled, asked the farmer why he had called Buddy by different names before finally using his own.

The farmer chuckled and replied softly so the horse couldn’t hear, “Well, Buddy’s blind. If he thought he was pulling alone, he wouldn’t even bother trying!”

Police Officer Versus Driver

A driver got pulled over by a female police officer for speeding.

As she was writing up his ticket, she happened to glance inside his car and noticed several machetes lying on the passenger seat.

“What are those for?” she asked, clearly suspicious.

“I’m a juggler,” the driver explained. “They’re props for my act.”

The officer raised an eyebrow, feeling uncertain. “Prove it,” she demanded.

Sighing, the driver stepped out, grabbed the machetes, and began juggling them. He started with three, then added more until he was juggling seven at once! He tossed them overhand, underhand, even behind his back, dazzling the officer!

A passing driver slowed down, did a double-take, and muttered to himself, “Man, I really need to quit drinking! Look at the sobriety tests they’re using now!”

A Truck Driver and His Emu

One Monday, a truck driver strolled into a diner off the highway with a full-grown emu following close behind.

The waitress approached and asked for his order.

“I’ll take a burger, fries, and a coffee,” the truck driver said. He glanced at the emu, “What about you?”

“Sounds good to me. Same for me, please,” the emu replied.

Having seen it all, the waitress brought their food and told them, “That’ll be $10.50.”

The truck driver reached into his pocket, pulled out the exact change, and handed it over!

The next day, the duo returned. He ordered the same meal, and the emu echoed, “Same for me, please.”

Once again, the waitress charged him the same price, and he reached into his pocket, producing the exact change!

This continued for several days. Then, one evening, they walked in again, and the waitress asked, “The usual?”

“Nope, it’s Friday night. I’ll have a steak, baked potato, and a salad,” said the truck driver.

The emu chimed in, “Sounds great… same for me.”

The waitress brought their food and said, “That’ll be $32.65.”

Without missing a beat, the truck driver reached into his pocket and, once again, had the exact change!

Finally, the waitress couldn’t contain her curiosity. “Alright, I have to know. How do you always have the exact change on you every single time?”

The truck driver grinned. “Well, a few years back, I was cleaning out my shed and stumbled on an old lamp. When I polished it up, a genie popped out and granted me two wishes. My first wish was that anytime I had to pay for something, I could just reach in my pocket, and the exact change would be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” said the impressed waitress. “No need for a million bucks… you’ll never run out of money!”

“Exactly,” said the truck driver, smiling. “Whether it’s a pack of gum or a new car, I’ve always got the exact amount!”

The waitress, still eyeing the emu, finally curiously asked, “So, what about the bird?”

The truck driver sighed and shrugged. “Well, my second wish was for a tall bird with long legs and a great personality who’d agree with everything I say.”

Cab Driver Versus Drunk Passengers

After picking them up, the cab driver quickly realized his passengers were drunk, so he decided to have a little fun. He started the engine, let it idle for a few minutes, and then turned it off.

With a straight face, he turned to his passengers and said, “We’re here! You’ve arrived at your destination!”

The first guy fumbled for his wallet, handed the driver some cash, and stumbled out of the car. The second passenger thanked him as he followed suit, handing him his fare.

But the third man suddenly leaned in and slapped the cab driver across the face! Shocked, the driver thought, “Maybe this one wasn’t as drunk as I thought!”

“Hey, what was that for?” he protested, rubbing his sore cheek.

The third guy slurred, “Watch your speed next time! You almost got us all killed!”